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Aunt Billie, a stewardess
on a local airline, was giving the standard safety briefing to the passengers.
She had just finished saying 'In the event of a water landing, your
seat cushion may be used as a floatation device,' when a man remarked,
"Hey! If the plane can't fly, why should I believe the seat can
float?"
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A couple was golfing one
day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar
houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful
when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us
a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest
house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you
to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and
see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come
on in."
They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle
lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied.
"No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped
for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed
to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the
last one for myself."
"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars
a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?"
the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done." the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?" the husband said. "Well,
since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman
in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot
of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The
genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it
was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How
old is your husband, anyway?"
"35." she replied.
"And he still believes in genies- that's amazing."
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At a silver wedding anniversary
the husband was standing in one corner looking very sad. What's the
matter? Asked his friend. "Well, a week after marriage, I got fed
up and wanted to kill my wife, but my lawyer said that I would get 25
years. Now I realise that today I would have been a free man."
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During their silver anniversary,
a wife reminded her husband: do you remember when you propose to me,
I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby
replied: "yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life."
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Long ago, when sailing
ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were in danger of being
boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed
to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"
The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the
captain put on and lead the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.
Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.
The men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's events when
an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call
for your red shirt before the battle?"
The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show
the blood, and thus you men will continue to fight unafraid."
The men sat in silence,
marveling at the courage of such a man. The next morning, the lookout
screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties.
The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring
me my red shirt!" Once again, the battle was on, and the Captain
and his crew repelled both boarding parties, though this time more casualties
occurred.
Later that day, however, the lookout screamed that there were pirate
ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.
The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his
usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my
brown pants!"
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An Australian travel writer
touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton and as he paid
his bill said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian
chief sitting in the lobby. He has been there ever since I arrived?"
"Oh that's Big Chief Forget-me-Not," said the manager.
"The hotel is built on an Indian reservation and part of the agreement
is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life.
He is known as Big Chief Forget-me-Not because of his phenomenal memory.
He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life."
The travel writer took this
in and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put the chief's memory
to the test.
"What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" said
the Aussie. "Eggs," was the instant reply, and indeed the
Aussie was impressed. He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right
across to the East Coast and on his return to the Spokane Hilton six
months later was surprised to see the Indian chief still sitting in
the lobby whittling away on a stick.
"How", said the Aussie. (How is a form of greeting among Native
American Indians) "Scrambled," said the chief.
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Three men died and went
to heaven. Upon their arrival, St. Peter asked the first if he had been
faithful to his wife. The man admitted to two affairs during his marriage.
St. Peter told him he could receive only a compact car to drive in heaven.
Then St. Peter asked the second man if he had been faithful to his wife,
and the man admitted to one affair. St. Peter told him he would be given
a midsize car to drive. The third man was asked about his faithfulness,
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and he told St. Peter he
had been true to his wife until the day he died. St. Peter praised him
and gave him a luxury car. A week later the three men were driving around,
and they all stopped at a red light. The men in the compact and midsize
cars turned to see the man in the luxury car crying. They asked him
what could possibly be the matter -- after all, he was driving a luxury
car.
"I just passed my wife," he told them, "and she was on
a skateboard."
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A young woman, two months
pregnant, went to see her obstetrician.
He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to
quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a
rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off.
At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on
her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass
and tried to read the words; the stamp read:
"When your husband can read this without his glasses, it's time
to get yourself to the hospital."
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Sam was sitting sadly at
the deathbed of his business partner, Bernie who met a serious accident.
With his last reserves of strength, Bernie raised his head from the
pillow. 'Sam...Sam...'
'Rest, rest, Bernie,' Sam counselled. 'Save your energy.'
'No,' insisted the dying man. 'I can't. I must clear my conscience before
I die. I've been a lousy partner, Sam. A lousy partner. It was me who
sold the secret formula to Birmbaum; it was me who stole the $100,000
from the safe. It was me who reported to you to the tax inspectors..
It was me!'
'Don't bother yourself, Bernie,' said Sam.
'Don't worry. It was me who tampered with the brakes on your car.'
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A man goes into a pet shop
to buy a parrot.
The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch
and says: "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars."
"Why, does the parrot cost so much?" asks the first man.
The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".
The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs
1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus
it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.
Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot
to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars.
Needless to say this begs the question "What can it do?" To
which the owner replies
"to be honest I have never seen it do a thing but the other two
call him boss!"
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A man calls home and the
maid answers the phone.
He asks to speak with his wife. The maid says he can't speak with her.
When the man asks why, the maid informs him that his wife is upstairs
in the bedroom with her boyfriend and asked not to be disturbed.
The man is furious and he tells the maid to go into his closet, take
out his shotgun, and shoot them both.
After several minutes and two shots later, the maid comes back on the
phone. The man asked if she killed them both, and the maid replies that
she did.
The man tells her to take the two bodies downstairs, into the backyard
and then to throw them into the pool.
The maid asks, "What pool?"
And the man says, "Is this 555-5309?"
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Two men were having an
awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed
to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they
didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said,
"I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through."
He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned
around, and came back, explaining,
"I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is
my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them."
The second man walked toward the ladies, got halfway there and, just
as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back. He
smiled sheepishly and said,
"Same here!"
How did
you like them folks? If you want really naughty ones send me an e-mail
stating your name, age, sex, nationality and state very clearly that
you are not offended by dirty jokes.
E-mail
me
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